A humbling experience (Part 2)

That night I asked God to come into my life to deal with this issue in me. If I was going to minister to the youths, to my students at tuition, to our cell members, to be a good helper to my husband, I cannot continue to let my emotions rule over me.

What followed after the prayer seemed like a nightmare. My emotions went into roller coaster mode. The streaks of rebelliousness, of feeling unfairly treated got more frequent and more intense.

God was allowing the full measure of my problem to come to the surface so that we can really deal with it. He was also allowing the situation to seem to get worse for me to test me and push me to have a higher level of endurance.

Sometimes it would get demoralising because every time I resolved to change, something would trigger me off again and I would fall back into the same negative behavior.

All this while, I didn't tell lao gong that I knew I was in the wrong for my own behavior. I kept it between myself and God. (So that he can't have something to use against me in our next quarrel. You see I was protecting myself and in the process, I wasn't submitting. )

Finally one day after one of those lectures, lao gong asked me, "What's wrong with you?" I then broke down and told him what had been going on all these while. That actually I knew I was wrong but I just couldn't change and I didn't want to let him know that I felt I was wrong because I feared that he would use it against me in our arguments.

Lao gong told me, "You should have trusted more in my love for you. By not telling me all this, you would just cause the misunderstnading between us to deepen and it would make you feel that you're all alone."

Yup I shouldn't have tried to do things my own way. I should have trusted in lao gong's love for me. I also should have trusted God that by submitting fully and exposing even my most vunerable part to lao gong, God would do the rest. He would protect and bless me.

That night was a humbling experience cos I had to admit all my mistakes in front of lao gong and God. I realised how difficult I had been when I stood my ground and hardened my heart against lao gong. I frequently judged him by his actions and my own emotions rather than being more discerning to God's voice.

As women, we all have our own hang-ups. We all can have different tolerance levels for different issues. Not being able to tolerate certain behaviors doesn't mean that we're right. Neither does it give us a right to try to change the situation by being ugly. Instead we should go to God in prayer and ask Him whether the problem lies in our perspective or with our husband. And if it's really our husbands who "have a problem", then we should wait upon the Lord to guide us as to what we should do.

Most of the time, we try to take things into our own hands and try to "set our lao gongs right." But God calls for us to submit and help. We can help by praying and asking God to open doors for us to say something that is truly from God and not from ourselves. If it's from ourselves, most of the time it would just come out negative rather than positive. If we follow God's timing, our husbands will listen. If we don't, we'll just end up harming our husbands, dampening their spirits and making it difficult for them to love us.

I'm still learning. But it has gotten better after the night I confessed to lao gong that I was the one in the wrong. It doesn't matter what lao gong has done. He is answerable to God. What matters is my reaction to what lao gong does. I am not just answerable to God but I'm also answerable to lao gong. Because I'm his helper and I'm suposed to submit to him as unto the Lord.

Lao gong says my behavior towards him affects his day alot. When I'm happy, it causes him to have lots of motivation towards his work, gym workout and ministry. When I'm moody, I not only affect his mood, but I also affect the family.

I asked him, "But there's only 2 of us in the family what."

He says it's not just the 2 of us. It's us as a unit, our spiritual health, the atmosphere in our house and more. If I can be strong and resist the devil, I can be of lots of help to the family.

Ok drive all self-pity out and take control over my emotions!